she woke up with a sticky ear
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
