There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
