I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
