We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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