There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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