I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
