Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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