What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
