I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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