allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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