Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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