Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
