Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
