Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize