I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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