I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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