there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
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I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
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It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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