ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
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My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
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There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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