I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize