you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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