I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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