she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
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I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
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He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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