Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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