I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
