mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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