why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I smell stomach acid.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
