i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
