Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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