why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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