Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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