The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
