How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
