Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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