did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
