She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
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Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
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I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
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