I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
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I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
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I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.