Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
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hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The pigeons can smell the fear
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
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I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.