shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
