I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
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I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
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hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.