so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
