just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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