Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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