I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
