Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
