I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
