Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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