never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
