she's into porn, im staying here tonight
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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