apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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