Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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