the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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