someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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