By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
