I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.Â
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
