I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
