Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
