i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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