And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
