I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
