Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
