Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize