fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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