i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
