he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
